Midnight Writer

...the road goes on forever

The Suicide Posts

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These posts were originally posted on Facebook on 6/13/2023 by two of my grandchildren and their mother. It was on the 10th anniversary of their father’s suicide (my daughter’s ex-husband at the time).

The now adult and almost adult grandchildren say some pretty harsh things, and use some language that I wouldn’t normally use on my blog; but I think their thoughts are worth retelling exactly the way they expressed them. There are typos and sometimes the grammar is a little hard to understand, but the pain, hurt, and anger are easy enough to discern.

I’ve redacted the names, just because it feels like the right thing to do. Obviously, it wouldn’t be too difficult to track down who it is, but if you’re going to be that nosey, you’re going to have to put in a little more effort.

The names of those that posted this are really not that important. That they’re related to me isn’t really either (except that it makes me feel their pain so much more). What’s important is the words, and the knowledge of what damage was done by a man who they loved, and who loved them, but just got lost along the way.

From My Daughter

10 yrs ago today I got the call that would forever change our lives. All of these years later and I can still remember dropping to my knees in shock wondering how in the world am I going to tell our kids…and all of these years later the pain is still there. The pain of watching the kids grow up without their dad and seeing how bad it hurts them absolutely kills me. 10 years of birthdays, first jobs, a child graduating and so many milestones missed out on and still so many more to come.I would give anything to change what happened. πŸ’”

Addiction and mental illness are real and if you are reading this and going through either one please reach out to someone and get help! If you are contemplating suicide…just don’t it only puts the pain on everyone you will leave. R.I.P β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ.

From My Grandson

Well here we are year 10. And this is a big one because now it’s been half of my life without you. And still cannot wrap my head around the fact your gone dude. I’ve said it for all my other post but the pain never goes away. Somedays (pardon my language) I think you are the biggest bitch in the world for leaving me β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ and mom again but this time permanently like you did time and time again when you went to jail. But this tike there’s no getting back out and helping raise us. I thank God for β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ everyday because he has helped me more than anyone will know and been the dad you couldn’t be. But at the Sametime that’s selfish of me to say because I know u were sick. And I know u were addicted to drugs. But I also can’t see past the part of if you loved me and β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ as much as everyone said you did then WHY WOULDNT YOU GROW TF UP AND GET HELP. But again I feel thats selfish of me but those are my feelings towards you when I’m mad. But there’s days where I’m sad because I miss you and your not here and I can’t make u proud yes ik ur looking down but I wish I could show u what I’ve done. And there’s also days where I’m happy. Because at least I know ur not suffering from drugs anymore. You let me down time and time again and I’m sorry I’m all over the place writing this but I’m a mess on this day. But you just never kept to your word and I wish you did. But I will say. If it wasn’t for u doing this. I would have probably have done the same thing. Because we have a bloodline of mental illness and it kicks my ass every single day and sometimes I have THOUGHTS BUT BECAUSE OF YOU I GET TO SIT HERE AND WATCH HOW THAT EFFECTS PEOPLE. And I will not do that to my family. One thing I would like to do this year in dealing with ur death is stop using u as a crutch for my actions bc thats not fair. But anyways. I love you dad. And I miss you everyday. I hope your resting and smiling and eating all the vanilla ice cream everyday and riding skateboards and hanging out with β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ I know he missed you too. I just hope u are free from your pain. I don’t know if I’ll ever be free from the pain u caused me. But at least I know ur free and thats what gets me by. R.I.P DAD 6-13-13

From My Grandaughter

Dang it’s been 10 years, the worst day of my life when mom told me that my dad was gone, at first I couldn’t believe it but I was 7 still trying to wrap my head around what my mom just told me. I love my dad so much I can’t even explain it, but at the same I hate him so much for leaving us just like that. I still can’t get over the fact that you missed these important parts of my life, like next year I’m going to be a senior and graduate and won’t be there cause you left, I don’t remember much about you and the only things I remember was you in jail, the worst thing you can remember about someone, I don’t even remember your voice anymore. I love you but you put me through so much without you being here, I used see these little girls with their dads having fun and wishing it was you and me, but there’s no coming back because your gone forever. I thank God everyday that I have β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ to show me what it’s like to have a dad and be there for me and love me as his own daughter, since you left, I don’t know what I would do without β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ I love you. And the last person I want to thank God for is my momma β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ and everything she has done for us cause if it weren’t my mom I have no Idea where I would be without her, she’s the best mom I could ask for, we have been through so much together and she hasent given up on us. And lastly I want to Thankyou my older brother β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ for being the best big brother you could ask for. Always putting a smile on my face and making sure I’m okay and just being his goofy self.And my little brother β–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆβ–ˆ, for always making sure I happy when I’m sad and put a smile on my face.I love you dad, but hate you for not being here, I would do anything to talk to you one more time just for a day. I don’t know if I will ever go day by without you causing me pain, but I’m happy that your free and not in pain anymore. I love you and miss you. R.I.P DAD 6-13-13

My Thoughts

Counting the times I’ve added redactions, proof read, and read the originals, I’ve probably read each of these at least half a dozen times; and each time their stories bring me to tears.

My Son-in-Law and I had a sometimes calm & far too often stormy relationship. When he was away from drugs, he was one of the greatest kids I knew. He would go out of his way to treat his family well, and to even look for things to help me and my wife around the house that we couldn’t do ourselves. He taught himself to weld and was on the cusp of landing a great job as a welder. But it seemed that far too often, the calm was blown away by the storms; drug use, mistreatment and neglect of his family, and the inevitable encounters with the law and jail time. Towards the end, the storms became constant, with him doing things I wouldn’t have thought possible.

It pained me to see these things happen, not only because I love my daughter and grandchildren, but I loved him too. I knew he was capable of so much more than what he was. I understand that the drugs and addiction are symptoms of the mental illnesses he suffered, but that knowledge doesn’t take away the pain, the hurt, and the damage.

Sometimes, especially days like this, I think What if I had praised him more on his good days, been less harsh on his bad, and told him that I loved him and wanted better for him.

Today, those thoughts haunt me.

Get help & support for suicide

My daughter said suicide “only puts the pain on everyone you will leave.” In my response, I said it’s worse. It multiplies the pain before it puts it on others.

If you’re in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, find help in your area with Find a helpline.

If it’s an emergency, call 911. You can also go to your nearest emergency room. A medical professional can give information about your particular circumstances.

Please know there are those around you that care for you and want better for your life. And if that doesn’t work, understand the damage you’ll do to those that love you.

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